Episode 11 – Let Love Lead The Way.

Episode 11 – Let Love Lead The Way.

READ MISAN’S BACKSTORY HERE

READ YEMI’S BACKSTORY HERE

Being at Helen’s birthday party and seeing how well everyone was doing gave me a certain kind of joy I couldn’t quite explain. If I didn’t have bills to pay and a family to take care of, therapy sessions is something I’d give for free. Everyone is going through something – fighting a demon, lost and confused, tired and about to give up. Everyone deserves redemption – 1st is the God factor and then comes an empathetic listening ear.

It’s been about 2 years since they all started their journey to healing and we have managed to stay together through it all. It’s almost always difficult not to develop a bond with your clients even if it’s just for the moment of therapy. For some reason, each one of them kept me close to their hearts and homes long after their sessions were over.

I was especially happy for Helen who had shared with me about a month ago that she was pregnant. As I listened to her husband Alex make the toast that evening, I smiled, knowing that she deserved all the love and every word used to describe her.

Getting married and starting a family had always been my desire but I also knew I wanted to do it the right way and most importantly with the right person. I had dated a handful of women in my adult years but none of them connected with me on the level I would have wanted. I found that most of them were only desperate for the ring and the title that came with being married.

The live band was now playing and as I watched Misan sway to the rhythm of the music, my mind wandered through the events of the past year.

“Yemi, will my life ever be the same again?.She asked as she sobbed, her chest heaving. What is this evil spirit that wants to destroy me? Tonia was the only one person I truly bonded with and loved genuinely outside my immediate family. Now I have completely ruined that bond, will she ever forgive me? How will I be able to look at that boy in the face? I just want to die, I can’t live with this shame, I cannot”

It was one of our therapy sessions. Misan’s story had gotten to me a lot, I felt so much compassion for her and I knew it would take a lot to take her through all the phases of her situation and help her overcome them, but I was ready to go all the way.

“Hey Misan”, I said as I tried to calm her down. “I’m glad you have been able to acknowledge and accept that there is a problem and you are willing and ready to take responsibility and face the consequences of your actions. We’re going to win this together, I promise you.” I said as I stretched out my arm making a fist with my hand for a fist bump.

I continued “First, I need you to forgive yourself. Yes, you have messed up and in as much as most of what you did is tied to your experience with Mike, it is no justification for your actions. And now that you are determined to leave that dark place, you need to forgive yourself, forgive Mike and then move on”. I paused again. “Do you have any idea where he is?” I asked searching her face. She looked exhausted, my heart ached seeing her like that.

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“It’s been years and I intentionally blocked out all memories of him or anything that will bring me in contact with him. The hurt cut too deep and all I wanted was to bury it” She answered.

“I understand that, but most times, burying our issues without addressing them is a recipe for emotional damage” I said, “however it’s not too late. It’s okay if you wouldn’t want to see him again, I would give you an assignment that will help you confront the experience, release it and truly forgive him. Are you game?” She nodded slowly.

I put her through some mental and emotional activities for the next couple of weeks, and week after week, we’d meet to have a review before moving on to the next task. I got her to track down all the boys she had been involved with right before Kevin and fortunately, they were all within reach and willing to come to therapy.

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I had free one on one therapy sessions with each of them and after a few sessions, I was confident enough that they were ready to face the world without becoming predators or still being preyed on. Misan wanted me to follow up on them even after their sessions for the next few years and I promised her I would. It was a liberating experience for me and it pleased me even more seeing the freedom she got from it.

Over time and through the course of therapy, I had grown very fond of Misan. I liked her from the very day we met but it was a feeling I dismissed immediately, making sure to keep things professional. She was caring, she was kind, she was witty and very intelligent.

With us spending a lot of time together, I could no longer deny the feelings I had developed, but I was careful enough not to allow it get in the way of my work. I didn’t want to take advantage of her vulnerability but I knew I wanted to marry her.

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I had never been so anxious in my entire life. The day I had been dreading for so long had come and I couldn’t put myself together. I was a nervous wreck. Yemi kept assuring me that everything will be okay but I didn’t understand how. I was about to meet with the woman who called me best friend and sister from another mother, the woman whose trust I had betrayed, the woman who caught me in bed with her teenage son.

“Yemi, I can’t do this, I can’t. I can’t face Tonia” I burst into tears all over again, It was all I seemed to be able to do.

“Yes you can Misan and you will and everything will be just fine” He stood right in front of me leaving not more that 2 inches of space between us as he held my head in his hands. “Just breathe and relax. When she gets here, I will set the tone for the conversation and leave you two to talk. I want you to express yourself freely and apologize from the depths of your heart. Remember, you are not blaming what happened on anything, but you are taking full responsibility for your actions which you deeply regret. Okay? Are we ready for this?” He looked into my eyes and then pulled me back into a hug.

It wasn’t an easy conversation, I didn’t expect it to be. It was heavy with emotions. Seeing the look of disappointment, pain and anger in Tonia’s eyes broke my heart into tiny pieces. I felt like committing suicide to just end it all. I didn’t know how I would be able to face the world or live with myself. I tried to apologize.

“Tonia”, I called out her name as I went on my knees “I know there’s no type of apology that can take this away, but I need you to forgive me, please” I held on to her legs as she sat there looking at me. Yemi had initiated the conversation and left us in the room. I didn’t know what to expect, but I wasn’t prepared for the response I got.

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She had been crying as I apologized, “Misan, there’s no need to apologize. The thing is, I can’t help but wonder, if you weren’t caught, would you have been sorry? How many more times would you have laid your filthy hands on my son before feeling any guilt? Would you have even felt any guilt at all? I will forgive you eventually, I know I will, but it’s not a process i’m about to rush just because it’s the right thing to do. I need to go through and process all my emotions, she paused.

“For the record, I did not tell anyone about this, not even my husband. I don’t know why I still feel the need to protect you. And this is me trusting you to get your acts together and clean up your mess, I’m glad you’re in therapy and I pray you find healing because everything about this is sick. It is not in my place to judge you, but fix up Misan, fix up” She picked up her bag and stood up to leave and then stopped as she got to the door.

“I would not want any communication whatsoever between you and Kevin, you are just going to disappear from our lives, I don’t know how, but please find a way. I know my husband will start to ask questions when he doesn’t see you around, but I’d take care of that. If he calls you, be sure to have something convincing to say.” She opened the door and walked out.

I felt sick to the bottom of my belly, I was nauseous and dizzy and I felt very afraid. Yemi found me shaking on the floor and he sat there with me as he hugged me really tight and rocked me back and forth. I was all cried out and just stared into space.

Very early the following morning, a Sunday morning, Yemi called to ask me to get ready, as he was on his way to pick me up to church. I was about to decline when he said I had no choice or he’d drag me out in any way he found me.

I made a quick dash to the bathroom and freshened up, picked out a very simple dress, threw on a pair of flat shoes and wrapped my head with a scarf, I wanted to be as invisible as possible.

I guess you’d be right if you described me as what they term the ‘lukewarm’ christian. I believe in God a 100% and I believe strongly in the power of prayers, but I was quick to separate myself from God with every unclean act because I felt unworthy.

That had been my case since my shenanigans with the teenage boys. Initially I would ask for forgiveness after every episode and promise never to do it again. The deeper I got into the act, the less I prayed for forgiveness, and soon enough I stopped going to church and was unable to pray without that heavy sense of guilt hanging over my head. I had since resigned to fate, enjoyed my moments of sin and simply moved on to the next.

Yemi re introduced me to God. He taught me about God’s mercy and how the Holy spirit doesn’t transform us overnight. He taught me how to forgive myself and be genuine in my repentance. He bought me many Joyce Meyer books and sent me links of her sermons to listen to. It took a while, but I started to seek a personal relationship with God.

The whole experience helped my healing process, I was finally able to forgive myself and forgive Mike completely. I knew I was ready to change and I strongly believed God made me face the shame so I could be free.

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It no longer mattered whether Tonia had forgiven me or not, God had forgiven me and that was what mattered the most. I was still very sorry and prayed everyday that she would be able to forgive me but I no longer lived with that guilt. I prayed everyday for Kevin too that the experience will not damage him and that God will erase his memory of my actions and give him a fresh start. I was convinced in my heart that everything was going to be fine

After about eight months without a word from Tonia, I sent her an Email.

“Hey, I know you said to cut off all communication with you, but I can’t help but want to reach out. I respect your decisions and I totally understand. I trust you’re well and I guess it’s safe to ask after Kevin.

I miss you Tonia, I really do and I wish we could just talk. I know forgiveness is hard in a situation like this and going back to what we used to be is near impossible, but I want you to find it in your heart to forgive me. I have been in therapy and I am proud to say I am clean. Not necessarily because of the therapy sessions but because of God, yes I found God. I know how you hounded me all the time about going to church and taking my Christian faith more serious. I have found my way to Him now and I am better for it. I’m still a work in progress, I guess we would all be till we cross over to the other side.

I really do miss you babe, I do. I miss sharing my life with you, there’s so much I want to tell you. It’s unfortunate that the most difficult part of my life had to be recovering from a wrong I did to you. I know if the case was different, you would have been by my side through every therapy session. I know you loved me dearly, thank you for the years of friendship. I am sorry Tonia, I truly am. Xoxo, Misan

As I hit send, I felt the tears drop. I felt a hand on my shoulder and jumped in my chair, I didn’t know Yemi had been standing there all along. I stood up and threw my arms around him letting the tears flow freely as he stroked my hair and planted a kiss on my forehead.

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Falling in love with Yemi happened easily, he was the kindest and most thoughtful person I had ever met. It was an instant connection we both couldn’t deny. He was easy to talk to and the more I shared with him, the more I was able to connect all the dots in my life. He genuinely wanted me to be a better person.

As I danced to the song played by the live band at Helen’s birthday dinner party and moved seductively towards him swaying my hips and moving my arms in the air, I said a silent prayer to God to make Yemi my happily ever after.

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I was going to end this series with this episode, but as an after thought, there would be one more episode.

So far, Whose story did you enjoy the most?

Did you expect the Misan and Yemi hook up?

Do you think there should be a continuation to the series?

Be sure to expect another blog series really soon as this lock down is allowing me engage all my creative juices. Please drop a comment or click on any of the smileys, you know your feed back means a lot to me.

Sending you love and light

Your girl,

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