Diary Of A Shoe Lover – Season 3, Episode 5 – Part 1 – To Have And To Hold Again?

Diary Of A Shoe Lover – Season 3, Episode 5 – Part 1 – To Have And To Hold Again?

Read Episode 4 Here

I looked across the table at her as she talked and threw her head back in laughter. The way she was so courteous and pleasant to the waiter. I looked at her skin, still as fresh as the first day i set my eyes on her. Her lips so full and her face ever so beautiful. Not for one day had she changed, not through motherhood, not through all the mess i had put her through.

I had taken my wife, Ivie out to dinner for Valentine’s day and looked forward to this night for so long, really anxious in the past few days. We had just finished having our 2nd course and she was telling me about her meeting with a client earlier in the day.

Looking across the table, all i saw was a grown woman, not the little girl of yesterday, but a woman who had evolved over the years into something so amazing. A happy, fulfilled and free woman. God knows i love this woman, i have always loved her, but i have also taken her for granted for so long. Now I can feel the disconnect, i know she’s not with me the same way she used to be. But can i blame her?

 

“I love you Ivie” I said, taking her unawares. I watched as she almost choked on her cocktail and looked at me suspiciously.

“What do you want this time Eddy, what have you done wrong?” She replied, rolling her eyes. Those eyes, big, round and captivating.

“Ivie, i don’t want anything and i haven’t done anything, not of recent and i don’t plan to do anything too. I just need you to hear me out” I said, as she took her hand, which i was now holding, away from mine.

“Look Eddy, we’ve been there and done that, this is all too familiar. Don’t ruin dinner for me abeg. Let’s eat, drink and go dancing as planned. I intend to enjoy every bit of tonight’. She replied.

“Listen Ivie, i totally understand you and i should shut my mouth at this point, but i can’t, i won’t. I am not asking you to do anything, at least not immediately, i really just need you to listen to what i have to say”. I said and paused but not long enough to let her respond.

 

I continued,

 

” I know i have hurt you over and over again through this marriage, i know i have taken you for granted, i know i have betrayed your trust, i know you have lost the confidence you had in me. Ivie i have messed up too many times, God knows and sees my heart, as i sit here and speak to you, that i regret every bit of it. You may not see it, but a part of me is hurting. Hurting from what i have lost, what we should have, because of my stupidity.

You’re a good woman, you have a good heart and I love you Ivie, i know that is hard to believe, but i do. I want to make amends, i want to be the man that i should have been to you all these years. I am willing to make it work, i just need you to give me a chance. I’m ready to learn and do right by you. I’m not going to make promises, but i’d take it one day at a time and live intentionally to make things right.

Thank you for not leaving me, for sticking to my mess, for our beautiful kids, for being the woman that you are and i can’t even match up to. 

Help me Ivie, i can’t do this on my own. Every time i look at you, i see you have shut me out emotionally and i can understand. I know this is a lot to ask for, but open up your heart to me, give me another chance. I love you very much and i’m really sorry for all these years. All the hurt, the pain, the tears, the late nights, the other women, the neglect. Ivie, i am really sorry.”

I slipped the Tiffany and co ring box, containing the ring Salewa had helped me pick out, across the table, and continued,

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“I’d give you all the time you need to really think about this, and if you choose to give me that chance, i want to marry you all over again. I want to renew my vows to you and this time stick to them. Marry me again Ivie.”

 

Related Post: Diary Of A Shoe Lover, Season 1, Episode 7

She sat there looking at me, no expressions on her face whatsoever, no emotions betrayed, not a word said to me. She beckoned to the waiter and ordered a shot of tequila, then another shot and after the 3rd one. She smiled at me and got up, then said

 

“I think it’s time to go, i’m not up for dessert, but this girl needs to get on a dance floor”

 

She held out her hand and i immediately took it and got on my feet. I knew it won’t be long for the tequila to set in, she didn’t have that much capacity for alcohol. I picked up the ring box which she had conveniently ignored and led her out of the restaurant.

 

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I slowly opened my eyes, my head hurt, i could barely feel my legs, they felt numb. The night before was a blur. I turned to lay on my back, even that hurt. I tried hard to remember what had happened, why i felt like this then i heard his voice.

“Baby, you’re awake, are you okay?, how do you feel? You had a little too much to drink. Most of it came out in the car though, you need to see the mess.” Eddy said as he laughed.

 

“Oh boy, why didn’t you stop me, you seem to forget i’m not one of your guys, ah, i don’t know how you people do this so frequently. I’m not sure i will get over this in the next 96 hours” I replied, then asked,

“Please can you get me some water and pain killers?, my head hurts like crazy”

 

“What you need is more alcohol, best cure for a hangover”

 

He answered laughing, as he got up and ducked at the same time to avoid the pillow i had thrown at him.

I watched him as he left the room. Eddy, once my knight in shining armor, the man i practically worshiped the ground he walked on. The one i gave my heart to  100% with no inhibitions. Once upon a time, we were so in love, at least i loved him, body, soul and spirit.

I wonder what went wrong. From the second year of our marriage, it all went downhill. Late nights, other women, the pregnancy, STIs, the apologies, it was a vicious cycle, one that took me almost 10 years to break. The mental torture i had to go through. Every anniversary was a promise to change and be a better man, all broken promises.

Slowly, it came back, the conversation at dinner. He sounded so sincere, my heart melted when he asked me to marry him again. My heart was ready to jump at it, but my head said no. Am i really ready to get sucked in, only to get spit out again? I have made so much progress getting myself to be this stable and strong. Would it be wise to let my guard down again?

I have paid attention to him in the past 6 months, i can say there’s been changes here and there, but would it ever really be over with the other women? I certainly wasn’t ready to deal with this. God knows i love this man, but in the past years, i have grown to love myself even more and i’m not ready to let anything mess that up.

I’d leave things as they are and take it one day at a time. Maybe i’d get the conviction i need. He walked in just as i was concluding my thoughts, carrying a tray.

“I decided to fix you a little something, there’s oats, toast, scrambled eggs, sausages, coffee and some fruits, being in the kitchen is definitely not my thing but you need food. If you want, i can go and get you pepper soup or ask my driver instead.” He said handing me the tray.

 

“I’m not sure my stomach can take in any of this, at least not yet, i feel so awful, let me take the pain killers first and sleep it out, thanks babe.” I replied

 

“Ok, drink plenty of water, it’d help” He got in bed beside me and held my head to his shoulder, then he said “I desperately want to do things right by you Ivie, i love you so so much and again i’m truly sorry for hurting you over and over again. I’d keep the ring till you’re ready.”

Image result for tiffany and co wedding rings

I remained quiet, i had nothing to say. We stayed in that position for sometime, all i wanted to do was sleep and that’s exactly what i did.

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Happy Valentines day to all my blog lovers. Wishing you love, light and shine.

Xoxo,

Jay.

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